Bali Blog

Posted by on 17 Apr 2014 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

IMG_1925 Well I have just spent the most wonderful 17 days in Bali my first visit and I loved it. I went with friends firstly for the Bali spirit festival held every March in Ubud. It is a Yogis place with wall to wall classes and also Readers and Healers and fabulous food and great music. For the first time in a long time I did nothing but sit and watch and join in a couple of talks on meditation practice and an attunement to a healing practice and I had my first proper tarot card reading. I won’t go into detail about that as it’s not the point of my blog. The point is that in doing nothing for a change I really achieved something and I will try to put it into words. I have to go back a bit in my story so that there is some context and contrast in what my experience in Bali did for me in terms of my personal development.

100's of motorbikes!

100’s of motorbikes!

Festival in Seminyak

Festival in Seminyak

Ubud Village Resort

Ubud Village Resort

Cycle down from the Volcano

Cycle down from the Volcano

Three years, 4 months ago I experienced a very great loss of my partner who died age 37 of pancreatic cancer. It was a shocking diagnosis never to be expected as she was the healthiest strongest and most beautiful woman that I knew. Thirteen years her senior I just thought naively that the order of things is that we would live long and happy and that I would die first. Well whatever led me to believe that? So many shaken beliefs came from that most heart renching loss, the belief that there is an order in the universe, that bad things did not happen to good people, that someone so strong and healthy people don’t die of illness, that I deserved to be happy because I was a good person, that all my friends would stand by me no matter what.

Yes all of that was shaken and badly, but I did not know how badly at the time. I made some decisions to hold on to some things to keep them the same like my job and my house to give me the sense of security that I needed but I also decided to formally study Feng Shui which had been my passion for over 20 years. So I invested in the training and on the course I met some wonderful people who have since continued with me on my journey and who have helped me regain meaning in my life in a spiritual sense. A number of old friends remain very close to me and I love them for their individuality and for their strength to continue to be with me whilst I grow and change. Their love for me enables them to embrace the ever changing me. Grief had thrown me up and flung me down and I was not the same when I eventually got up. I did get up physically and I showed the world how strong I was, but in that I lost my connection to the divine love and power that I know is ever present and that has been hard to restore, it’s taking time. In all of that however my belief in my partner’s spirit being ever present never wained, I just feel her presence and so do others. There is so much more that I will share about Karen and her dying but not here, that will be another piece of sharing.

Me and Ness

Me and Ness

I also have to speak about my dog Ness who was the beautiful soul, sharing my good times and bad times over the 12 years that she was in my life. The relationship of unconditional love that grew between us was just so special and with her around I never felt quite as lonely as I could have. She was always there when I came home from work or she was with me on outings, walks, visits to friends where ever I could take her I would and she was always ready to come with me. I really loved that little dog. She became quite poorly after my partner died. Her liver had started to fail but with love and affection we held each other and at times she was full of puppy like energy. I knew that if I sang to her or encouraged her with on a walk by skipping or praising she would pep up and respond with revitalised energy. How in tune our animals are to us and I never once underestimated the importance of our relationship.

I did dread her dying. I knew she would as she was getting to a good old dogs age, but I had no idea how I would face that loss as well. Ness travelled with me through my grief of Karen’s death and her presence was undeniably essential to my wellbeing and recovery. People who have pets know how strong that bond can be. Ness died two days before my birthday in January 2014, she died peacefully at home naturally as I had asked her to, without the need of the vet. We spent the day together just being close, she let me hold her like a baby and she bestowed upon me the grace of her death. I give thanks to my close friend Katharine for being there with me to share the sadness and for her loving support. These words for Ness ‘s passing came to me as I decided I needed to do the first walk without her in our usual place ….

Heavy heart, teary eyes and a feeling so lonely deep inside

What is this hole this vacant mess

I know it is my missing Ness

 My beautiful dog who loved me so

I know this feeling, so familiar

So painful of letting go

I have the habit of holding on

To things in the  past

And people gone

 This is not healthy, it is not good

I should let go like others would

But did they miss and hurt so much?

 So I must do it the way I know

That is to feel it, feel the pain, the loss, the sad

Again and again

 Then listen, be quiet, be calm, be still

So that I can hear her breathing her will

She has gone from my physical life

 But I know she is there and she watches me move

She hears me cry and she starts to sooth

She stares deep down into my soul

 And she says I am always here and I am whole

When its your time you will be here too

I will come running and smiling to you

 I am only a spec of time away

Now go and walk me

And enjoy your day

Alison (Vishoka)

Alison (Vishoka)

On suggestion of my wonderful friend Alison Levesley (Vishoka) I took Ness’s collar to Bali so that we could do an honouring ceremony for her in a sacred place.  We did this, Alison and I on my last day in a little temple in the grounds of the beautiful Ubud Village Resort and we remembered Ness and we let her spirit go freely so that we could both continue to fly.

 

Another exceptional experience I had in Bali is that Alison and I did a blessing of our friends Dawn and Lionel’s sacred union. We did this at the temple of the holy spring just north of Ubud. This is the reading that I wrote for them as part of that ceremony.

The blessing

The blessing

The man with the golden hair, he is looking at you

The woman so beautiful and full of life, she will dare

To dance with you in light and dark

And you will know how true love grows

 The woman with the fiery red hair, she is looking at you

The man so strong and soft, he will dare

To dance with you in light and dark

And you will know how to grow through pain

 Your hands and hearts are entwined

Your love is there for all to share

The joy you bring will last all time

And you with know love and light

The thread that comes through my time in Bali is all about opening my heart again and letting go of fear. I did not think that it would be such a steep climb. By being still and sitting with myself and with others who actively work to maintain their connection with the divine, has helped me immensely to regain the faith to accept what is.

So I am just back and in sharing these reflections I can affirm that we need to take time to work through our experiences, our hurts and losses and that success in moving through a closed heart to an open one does depend on a commitment to do the work. I have been so very fortunate to have the greatest of helpers and teachers from family and old friends and new ones who have held me in love and made it easy for me to love them. With that support I have been able to practice love and grow and grow.

Me

Me

In love with life in Bali – Olga

March 2014

 

3 Comments

  1. You are so inspirational Olga, just reading your heartfelt words has helped to calm my troubled mind. Much love and hope to see you soon x

  2. words fail me my lovely (not a common occurrence, i agree). i want to be able to say something profound and comforting but am unable to find anything that doesn’t sound trite and minimising. i hope you know how i feel about you and, with your move away from the mainstream of my life that is coming soon, that wont alter. you have been a rock for me for 7 years. i just hope i can repay some of that in even a small way. hugs hugs hugs xxx

  3. Having just read your Bali Blog, Olga, I wanted to tell you how touched I was by everything you said. Both Adrian and I found it so hard celebrating our 70th Birthdays when Karen wasn’t able to celebrate her 40th. As you say, it is the wrong order of things. I don’t think I shall ever understand why such a beautiful vibrant wonderful daughter should be taken from us in that way.

    I understand your feelings about Ness too. Jake went through so much with us as a family and, although he lived to a good age unlike Karen, the house is not the same without him.

    Your trip to Bali sounds amazing. Just what you needed at this particular stage of your life, I think xx

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